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Aliens, First Contact, & Exogastronomy

Aliens, they fly around, shoot lasers, and have a strange affinity for beef. But before we’re able to initiate any sort of exchange of cattle for cool sci-fi technology or sacks of space-money we need to step up to the negotiating table.

However that table is mysteriously absent from the scene; and those scheming bug-brains are appropriating themselves to our fine beef products. And based on evidence collected from the field, they seem to be fabricating hot-dogs in mass.

How on Earth can we possibly communicate with these space-invaders? And more importantly begin recuperating the value of lost goods since 1947. It’s safe to assume that theft is still frowned upon on an interstellar scale, especially of cultural delicacies.

Well given this metaphor: negotiating tables are made of a common language. Without a common language we can’t begin to barter; much less discuss the structure of an interstellar cattle trade commission.

What would this language be based on? Latin? French? Ancient Mesopotamian sandskirt? None of these languages sound ‘spacey’ enough, so I think they’re off the table. Any language based on current or ancient semantics and syntax would be asking a bit too much of these aliens after so recently having disembarked their ship.

Since the universe is, well infinitely large… It’s not safe to assume that they have the same sensory organs that we do, much less a similar perception of reality. We could possibly be dealing with a gaseous based cattle-guzzler, whose only method of perceiving the universe is through the eyes of the closest sentient reptile. It would be tragic.

This all means that we’re forced to devise some new language, based on the simplest elements of perception. This begs the question, what are the common elements across all forms of perception? The detection of a presence. All senses perceive the world around us through detecting minuscule particles, waves, and energy. Each time a sensory organ detects its designated target, it paints an image (, smell, or sound) into our perception.

Lucky for all of us, this language was developed long, long ago by a pair of men who wore funny neckties and shocked the world with a technological revolution. This language is based soley on the presence or absence of electrical current in the user’s transceiver. This type of basic electrical communication was so effective that it slowly grew to envelop every aspect of our society in the form of digital 1s and 0s.

A language based on binary signaling is probably our best bet for a peaceful succession of events leading up to the establishment of an interstellar cattle trade. Once such a system has been fully established; the influx of space-credits into our global economy would instantly provoke a Utopian society.

We here at the LBB blog aren’t asking for any sort of compensation for this miraculous revelation, seriously it’s free of charge. Now all we can do is wait; eventually interstellar demand for fine beef products will grow so large that they’ll be forced into some sort of grandiose appearance in an attempt to open trade relations. This is the point of no return; by using some form of binary based language we will begin trading cattle for space-creds. From that moment onward the days are numbered until galactic domination has occurred.


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